Could it be my fault.
It hit me, like a door slamming in my face last night. Sudden and hard.
I lied for her.
I let her cheat.
Was it a cry for help? Did she want me to tell the nurses she was cheating?? She begged me not to. Was her actual confidence in me a sign to tell? Was she crying out for help
It really just hit me and now it wont leave my mind and i cant think about it without my eyes watering up. And Melissa i dont cry for anyone you know that. I dont and you keep making me.
But then you never told on me... but i never confessed, not even to you. it hurt lying to you. Especially wen it was plain on your face that you knew... i was a big FAT lier and i you knew it and i knew it.
But you, you told me. I wanted to tell a nurse. I wanted to. But your tiny body and your tears were too much for me. i just turned my head, averted my eyes. Pretended. like we were good at. the best at. The best little girls
It just hit me.
Hit me.
Hit me. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me.
Melissa Is it my fault????????????????????????????????
i feel wrong to be here without you
?
?
?
May 1, 2008
April 30, 2008
hey Peeps
Hey peeps,
Had a Mkay day... i turned in my paper.. -yes i did do a victory lap of the library-
i learnt for my exam. i LOST my friend but... mmm we were meant to study together but after constantly msging her she still is yet to reply??bit strange
Normally i dont have to utter a word until about 3 or 4pm everyday. I am just noticing that it is too much energy to talk so if i don't go to breaky then i usually dont have to speak until late afternoon. I am just mute in class! lol. Suits me just fine.
Rosies court case has been adjourned so the stress is being prolonged. Damn.
I have my exam tomorrow s0 wish me luck! Then i can RELAX a little. My shoulders have their own heartbeats at the moment they are sooo sore.
Oh something else... i broke Traceys scales the other day... the most funniest horrible thing! Imagine.. the big stressful moment, i step on and... its lights turn out. It shuts off! I broke the scales Tracey laughed. Another man was in the room and he tried not to laugh but i know he was.
Anyway enough
shelle
Had a Mkay day... i turned in my paper.. -yes i did do a victory lap of the library-
i learnt for my exam. i LOST my friend but... mmm we were meant to study together but after constantly msging her she still is yet to reply??bit strange
Normally i dont have to utter a word until about 3 or 4pm everyday. I am just noticing that it is too much energy to talk so if i don't go to breaky then i usually dont have to speak until late afternoon. I am just mute in class! lol. Suits me just fine.
Rosies court case has been adjourned so the stress is being prolonged. Damn.
I have my exam tomorrow s0 wish me luck! Then i can RELAX a little. My shoulders have their own heartbeats at the moment they are sooo sore.
Oh something else... i broke Traceys scales the other day... the most funniest horrible thing! Imagine.. the big stressful moment, i step on and... its lights turn out. It shuts off! I broke the scales Tracey laughed. Another man was in the room and he tried not to laugh but i know he was.
Anyway enough
shelle
April 24, 2008
GREAT
I had a GREAT weekend the one just passed!
I went to the KORN concert with my HE (Adam)!!!!! And we were at the front, the VDERY front row! and i got their DRUM STICK! YEP!
we went to the beach, Glenelg. We had eggs. His poached (yeah?? the guy who eats tripple cheesy cheese crusts and he wont eat fried fricking eggs. lol!) and i had scrambled!.....go me!!!! yummy.
we went to Ikea. He had a hotgog. Just coz it was $1. Wasnt even hungry but how can you pass up that bargain.
We went into the city and tried on tight leather black pants -mmm he wants$15 ones so needless to say we bolted when he spotted the $315 price tag.
WE went to shags but he was grumpy. But em was fun. Why is everyone SO fun when they are drunk? now he has gone....
awww - but atleast i can study without he's incessent 'eat mama'.
mwa
I went to the KORN concert with my HE (Adam)!!!!! And we were at the front, the VDERY front row! and i got their DRUM STICK! YEP!
we went to the beach, Glenelg. We had eggs. His poached (yeah?? the guy who eats tripple cheesy cheese crusts and he wont eat fried fricking eggs. lol!) and i had scrambled!.....go me!!!! yummy.
we went to Ikea. He had a hotgog. Just coz it was $1. Wasnt even hungry but how can you pass up that bargain.
We went into the city and tried on tight leather black pants -mmm he wants$15 ones so needless to say we bolted when he spotted the $315 price tag.
WE went to shags but he was grumpy. But em was fun. Why is everyone SO fun when they are drunk? now he has gone....
awww - but atleast i can study without he's incessent 'eat mama'.
mwa
April 13, 2008
April 8, 2008
oh man
I want to write about Melissa and her visits to me. But i am ashamed at how angry i am at her.
I'm angry she left me. She left me here :(
We coulda made it together
If she didn't take up every spare place in my brain then maybe i could start actually getting stuff done.
We could have made it together
We could have made it together
I'm angry she left me. She left me here :(
We coulda made it together
If she didn't take up every spare place in my brain then maybe i could start actually getting stuff done.
We could have made it together
We could have made it together
Daily planner
Daily happenings for me are about the same right now:
Get up
Gym
Breaky
Study/ uni
Dinner
Study
and usually gym again
Internet
Read
Bed
(oh and clean of course)
The end
Get up
Gym
Breaky
Study/ uni
Dinner
Study
and usually gym again
Internet
Read
Bed
(oh and clean of course)
The end
March 25, 2008
Emma Victorious Victory
Babe i love you xxxxxxxx
Em you really do mean so much to me.
I know you will read this here.. You being such a greta blogger and all.
Missy.. you are a true friend xxxxxxxxxx
Em you really do mean so much to me.
I know you will read this here.. You being such a greta blogger and all.
Missy.. you are a true friend xxxxxxxxxx
Since it is a current topic
The notion of long-term-romantic love has seemingly given way to a more non –committal, casual type relationship. It seems we are saying goodbye to ‘till death do us apart’ by dipping in sporadic flings and phrases such as ‘I love you’ have divulged into ‘I love you… for now’.
Old ideals are being discarded – not just in the sense that a white wedding dress does not still hold the same value that it once did- but it seems we are also saying goodbye to the declaration of undying love for another; Goodbye to the ideology of one marriage; Marriage till the end, until death.
Casual sexual encounters are embarked on at a (more than) common rate. This swapping, sharing and changing brings with it a life-style where one does not have to remain in a relationship unless they are, themselves, gaining what they wish from it. This is a relationship in which one can fulfill their immediate wishes with no strings attached.
This here poses the question (a question I remember once asked by Carrie on Sex and the city): Are women turning into men……..? Well yes, if they so desire- then why the hell not? Women can now view and act in ways traditionally thought of as a males behaviour. Now I do not mean this in a way that implies that women are all sluts that sleep around. What I am saying is that women can now exercise their freedom of choice, can act in more equivalence to the male and not be so judged harsher than a male would. A more equal society – much more, ah, let’s maybe say, satisfied human beings.
In a now forever moving, fast paced, relatively boundary-less society – I suppose this just follows through as natural. As Convenient, yeah?
It was once thought by the female that marriage was essential for maintaining security. Marriage and motherhood were patriarchally ordered to ensure that the life of the woman in marriage would reside within the private sphere. In light of this I would like to solicit another answer from you Carrie Bradshaw, as paradoxical as it may have once originally sounded, I want to ask…
Are we now quite potentially seeing the death of marriage?
Old ideals are being discarded – not just in the sense that a white wedding dress does not still hold the same value that it once did- but it seems we are also saying goodbye to the declaration of undying love for another; Goodbye to the ideology of one marriage; Marriage till the end, until death.
Casual sexual encounters are embarked on at a (more than) common rate. This swapping, sharing and changing brings with it a life-style where one does not have to remain in a relationship unless they are, themselves, gaining what they wish from it. This is a relationship in which one can fulfill their immediate wishes with no strings attached.
This here poses the question (a question I remember once asked by Carrie on Sex and the city): Are women turning into men……..? Well yes, if they so desire- then why the hell not? Women can now view and act in ways traditionally thought of as a males behaviour. Now I do not mean this in a way that implies that women are all sluts that sleep around. What I am saying is that women can now exercise their freedom of choice, can act in more equivalence to the male and not be so judged harsher than a male would. A more equal society – much more, ah, let’s maybe say, satisfied human beings.
In a now forever moving, fast paced, relatively boundary-less society – I suppose this just follows through as natural. As Convenient, yeah?
It was once thought by the female that marriage was essential for maintaining security. Marriage and motherhood were patriarchally ordered to ensure that the life of the woman in marriage would reside within the private sphere. In light of this I would like to solicit another answer from you Carrie Bradshaw, as paradoxical as it may have once originally sounded, I want to ask…
Are we now quite potentially seeing the death of marriage?
Oh threre is no use
Oh there is no use in loving the dying
I have tried.
I have tried but you can’t,
you just can’t guard the dead.
You are the watchman and you
can’t keep the gate shut.
-Anne Sexton, “Letter to Dr. Y,” 1964
I have tried.
I have tried but you can’t,
you just can’t guard the dead.
You are the watchman and you
can’t keep the gate shut.
-Anne Sexton, “Letter to Dr. Y,” 1964
March 10, 2008
Goodbye to male antelopes and eagles..
The spotted hyena...
Hyenas are 'massive bone-crucnching beasts'.
The female hyena secretes more testosterone than the male hyena. She therefore produces bigger muscles and more aggression. Her masculinised private parts make it 'supremely difficult' to tell the sex of a hyena.
The female hyena is socially dominant to the male hyena.
The wild sex - reversal system of the hyena makes these animals a fascination in study... and to myself. Go the female hyena!
She is now my favourite animal!
- Saplosky (2004) Testosterone Rules.
Hyenas are 'massive bone-crucnching beasts'.
The female hyena secretes more testosterone than the male hyena. She therefore produces bigger muscles and more aggression. Her masculinised private parts make it 'supremely difficult' to tell the sex of a hyena.
The female hyena is socially dominant to the male hyena.
The wild sex - reversal system of the hyena makes these animals a fascination in study... and to myself. Go the female hyena!
She is now my favourite animal!
- Saplosky (2004) Testosterone Rules.
My Cooch
Andrew…
There are few days in the year that I truly fear the arrival of. They are all anniversary related. I do not want you to be sad nor disappointed that something associated with you is the cause of my pain. Similarly I know I feel the same thing vice versa– therefore I am trying not to give value to this day as I plan to give value and thought to your birthday; Your birth - date shall be celebrated rather than your death antagonised over.
Time, as it seems has stood still since I last saw you.
Time however has passed, I have grown. I’m so sad and sorry that you have not.
I love you Cooch. Rest in peace my big brother.
Your sister Shel xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
There are few days in the year that I truly fear the arrival of. They are all anniversary related. I do not want you to be sad nor disappointed that something associated with you is the cause of my pain. Similarly I know I feel the same thing vice versa– therefore I am trying not to give value to this day as I plan to give value and thought to your birthday; Your birth - date shall be celebrated rather than your death antagonised over.
Time, as it seems has stood still since I last saw you.
Time however has passed, I have grown. I’m so sad and sorry that you have not.
I love you Cooch. Rest in peace my big brother.
Your sister Shel xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
November 8, 2007
Thanks Chels
I just had the best massage EVER! Thanks Chelsea! Places that i never knew existed have been
rubbed and kneeded and now i know that they exist! Things have gone crack, and the sum of it
all is a little sore but generally very happy!
Well i have been out way too much. Too much dance, drink and noice... I must go study now and
become one of the beautiful people again...
Goodnight xx
rubbed and kneeded and now i know that they exist! Things have gone crack, and the sum of it
all is a little sore but generally very happy!
Well i have been out way too much. Too much dance, drink and noice... I must go study now and
become one of the beautiful people again...
Goodnight xx
October 30, 2007
The word for the day
The word for the day is poise. Mmm dignity is apparently not a given.
Perhaps one must learn that there is no harm in finding out the sum of the story before acting out… Yes that has been discovered.
So here this young Rashelle, sits in her sallow gloom, slowly recognizing that rage cannot be governed where rage has not been sought.
Sorry to those affected even though they may not have even recognized the conjured tragedy of the time. As yes she, Rashelle, has always been the meticulous recorder of the nuances of tragedy, but yes she, Rashelle, admits when she is wrong.
A smile today: a friendship sealed xx
Perhaps one must learn that there is no harm in finding out the sum of the story before acting out… Yes that has been discovered.
So here this young Rashelle, sits in her sallow gloom, slowly recognizing that rage cannot be governed where rage has not been sought.
Sorry to those affected even though they may not have even recognized the conjured tragedy of the time. As yes she, Rashelle, has always been the meticulous recorder of the nuances of tragedy, but yes she, Rashelle, admits when she is wrong.
A smile today: a friendship sealed xx
October 24, 2007
October 22, 2007
Update
So much for keeping my blog up to date! lol! It’s been a while.
What have I been doing you may ask??Well, in between:
pubcrawl, dropped cheeseburgers, making acquaintances with fellow English exchange students,
nearly missing out on curly fries, getting drunk before even the entree is served, administering
eardrops to my good neighbours left ear and finally giving up on carrots dipped in mustard (love
it but yeah it makes me sick with hot flushes and stuff...), Iv’e been doing not that much at all…
What have I been doing you may ask??Well, in between:
pubcrawl, dropped cheeseburgers, making acquaintances with fellow English exchange students,
nearly missing out on curly fries, getting drunk before even the entree is served, administering
eardrops to my good neighbours left ear and finally giving up on carrots dipped in mustard (love
it but yeah it makes me sick with hot flushes and stuff...), Iv’e been doing not that much at all…
October 14, 2007
It's a bit like drowning
Last time we spoke your mind was shutting down. I think it can be compared to when you drown. You get to a certain point then your mind begins to play tricks on you. You feel a sense of calm, of peace.. once your body knows that this is the way it’s going to be. that it is the end.
You told me that you didn’t feel the cold anymore, though it was painstakingly obvious that your tiny body was chilled to the core.
You told me that you had a missed call from my home town. You said my mum must have called to “check up on me. To see if I’m okay. Yeah?”
“Yes, Melissa. She does care.” Though my mother never knew your number.
Your hallucinations were mostly of acts of kindness. Someone giving you money… though everyone around you was homeless and very unlikely to give up what very little they did have.
I wish I had given you more
It is like your mind prepares you for death. So you don’t have to endure the pain. You are saved, yes protected, from the pain that is so strong that ultimately it cannot even be felt by you. This is the pain that rips right through you. The pain that stabs through your heart and shreds your soul. The ones who are left behind… they feel this.
This is the pain that never goes away, only dampens. But damp can become wet again and wet can become dry.
Wet is when moisture is added, when salt is added to a wound, when memories flashback at any given moment, taking you by surprise and STINGING. When moisture is added, everything gets heavy. Heaviness pushes down and smothers you. Cannot move, cannot breath. RESTRICTED.
When wet becomes dry you feel the presence of the pain still, it’s memory. Sometimes when it’s too much, instead of feeling, you don’t feel anything at all. Just numb, blurry numbness. Sometimes things get better at times. But the pain still lingers.
I would do anything for you. I would feel the heavy pain forever. It could rip me, shred me. I would do anything, anything at all if only I could spend one more day with you. Just one more day. One more fucking day
Melissa I love you xx
You told me that you didn’t feel the cold anymore, though it was painstakingly obvious that your tiny body was chilled to the core.
You told me that you had a missed call from my home town. You said my mum must have called to “check up on me. To see if I’m okay. Yeah?”
“Yes, Melissa. She does care.” Though my mother never knew your number.
Your hallucinations were mostly of acts of kindness. Someone giving you money… though everyone around you was homeless and very unlikely to give up what very little they did have.
I wish I had given you more
It is like your mind prepares you for death. So you don’t have to endure the pain. You are saved, yes protected, from the pain that is so strong that ultimately it cannot even be felt by you. This is the pain that rips right through you. The pain that stabs through your heart and shreds your soul. The ones who are left behind… they feel this.
This is the pain that never goes away, only dampens. But damp can become wet again and wet can become dry.
Wet is when moisture is added, when salt is added to a wound, when memories flashback at any given moment, taking you by surprise and STINGING. When moisture is added, everything gets heavy. Heaviness pushes down and smothers you. Cannot move, cannot breath. RESTRICTED.
When wet becomes dry you feel the presence of the pain still, it’s memory. Sometimes when it’s too much, instead of feeling, you don’t feel anything at all. Just numb, blurry numbness. Sometimes things get better at times. But the pain still lingers.
I would do anything for you. I would feel the heavy pain forever. It could rip me, shred me. I would do anything, anything at all if only I could spend one more day with you. Just one more day. One more fucking day
Melissa I love you xx
October 13, 2007
Bad beginnings
Horrible to have began my first very own blog with such a sad sad post. My great friend Em (she’s the professional around this joint) helped me to set up A Glimpse into the world of Rashelle Anne. So if you have any problems with the layout blame her, if the glimpses are boring then you can blame me.
For the most part, my life is chaotic and i’m sure most who know me wont disagree. So a glimpse may be enough, particularly for those (Em) who like shall we say, predictability and stability. Em I love you (‘by the way’) (No not ‘just kidding’), (‘Just letting you know!’) xx
Actually I love routine. I am very OC about my routine. (no not the tv show, the OC. –I wanted to say ‘OCD about…’ but that doesn’t really make sense coz of the D- isorder part. You can’t technically correctly say… actually, I take it all back I just realized you can. – I am OCDisorder (ish) .
Ok I am very obsessive compulsive disorderish about my routine, and planning things, and keeping things being tidy… and my vaccuming… but we won’t go into that right here… and generally making sure I don’t get confronted with extremely scary things (like a bobby pin on the floor instead of in my hair case) unexpectedly.
But the truth of the matter is that I am seemingly a human magnet for human disasters. Human behaviour is unfortunately something that I cannot predict and keep in straight lines like I can with my connecter pens. (red, then yellow, then always blue after black, not never orange near green etc.. oh and they connect perfectly – dah –CONNECTer pens). So…
…So I am studying psychology! Of course! Lol!
No on a more serious note, things happen. Things cannot always be predicted.. The only thing that I can predict is that something unexpected will unexpectedly happen. You can count on that.
For the most part, my life is chaotic and i’m sure most who know me wont disagree. So a glimpse may be enough, particularly for those (Em) who like shall we say, predictability and stability. Em I love you (‘by the way’) (No not ‘just kidding’), (‘Just letting you know!’) xx
Actually I love routine. I am very OC about my routine. (no not the tv show, the OC. –I wanted to say ‘OCD about…’ but that doesn’t really make sense coz of the D- isorder part. You can’t technically correctly say… actually, I take it all back I just realized you can. – I am OCDisorder (ish) .
Ok I am very obsessive compulsive disorderish about my routine, and planning things, and keeping things being tidy… and my vaccuming… but we won’t go into that right here… and generally making sure I don’t get confronted with extremely scary things (like a bobby pin on the floor instead of in my hair case) unexpectedly.
But the truth of the matter is that I am seemingly a human magnet for human disasters. Human behaviour is unfortunately something that I cannot predict and keep in straight lines like I can with my connecter pens. (red, then yellow, then always blue after black, not never orange near green etc.. oh and they connect perfectly – dah –CONNECTer pens). So…
…So I am studying psychology! Of course! Lol!
No on a more serious note, things happen. Things cannot always be predicted.. The only thing that I can predict is that something unexpected will unexpectedly happen. You can count on that.
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