I just had the best massage EVER! Thanks Chelsea! Places that i never knew existed have been
rubbed and kneeded and now i know that they exist! Things have gone crack, and the sum of it
all is a little sore but generally very happy!
Well i have been out way too much. Too much dance, drink and noice... I must go study now and
become one of the beautiful people again...
Goodnight xx
November 8, 2007
October 30, 2007
The word for the day
The word for the day is poise. Mmm dignity is apparently not a given.
Perhaps one must learn that there is no harm in finding out the sum of the story before acting out… Yes that has been discovered.
So here this young Rashelle, sits in her sallow gloom, slowly recognizing that rage cannot be governed where rage has not been sought.
Sorry to those affected even though they may not have even recognized the conjured tragedy of the time. As yes she, Rashelle, has always been the meticulous recorder of the nuances of tragedy, but yes she, Rashelle, admits when she is wrong.
A smile today: a friendship sealed xx
Perhaps one must learn that there is no harm in finding out the sum of the story before acting out… Yes that has been discovered.
So here this young Rashelle, sits in her sallow gloom, slowly recognizing that rage cannot be governed where rage has not been sought.
Sorry to those affected even though they may not have even recognized the conjured tragedy of the time. As yes she, Rashelle, has always been the meticulous recorder of the nuances of tragedy, but yes she, Rashelle, admits when she is wrong.
A smile today: a friendship sealed xx
October 24, 2007
October 22, 2007
Update
So much for keeping my blog up to date! lol! It’s been a while.
What have I been doing you may ask??Well, in between:
pubcrawl, dropped cheeseburgers, making acquaintances with fellow English exchange students,
nearly missing out on curly fries, getting drunk before even the entree is served, administering
eardrops to my good neighbours left ear and finally giving up on carrots dipped in mustard (love
it but yeah it makes me sick with hot flushes and stuff...), Iv’e been doing not that much at all…
What have I been doing you may ask??Well, in between:
pubcrawl, dropped cheeseburgers, making acquaintances with fellow English exchange students,
nearly missing out on curly fries, getting drunk before even the entree is served, administering
eardrops to my good neighbours left ear and finally giving up on carrots dipped in mustard (love
it but yeah it makes me sick with hot flushes and stuff...), Iv’e been doing not that much at all…
October 14, 2007
It's a bit like drowning
Last time we spoke your mind was shutting down. I think it can be compared to when you drown. You get to a certain point then your mind begins to play tricks on you. You feel a sense of calm, of peace.. once your body knows that this is the way it’s going to be. that it is the end.
You told me that you didn’t feel the cold anymore, though it was painstakingly obvious that your tiny body was chilled to the core.
You told me that you had a missed call from my home town. You said my mum must have called to “check up on me. To see if I’m okay. Yeah?”
“Yes, Melissa. She does care.” Though my mother never knew your number.
Your hallucinations were mostly of acts of kindness. Someone giving you money… though everyone around you was homeless and very unlikely to give up what very little they did have.
I wish I had given you more
It is like your mind prepares you for death. So you don’t have to endure the pain. You are saved, yes protected, from the pain that is so strong that ultimately it cannot even be felt by you. This is the pain that rips right through you. The pain that stabs through your heart and shreds your soul. The ones who are left behind… they feel this.
This is the pain that never goes away, only dampens. But damp can become wet again and wet can become dry.
Wet is when moisture is added, when salt is added to a wound, when memories flashback at any given moment, taking you by surprise and STINGING. When moisture is added, everything gets heavy. Heaviness pushes down and smothers you. Cannot move, cannot breath. RESTRICTED.
When wet becomes dry you feel the presence of the pain still, it’s memory. Sometimes when it’s too much, instead of feeling, you don’t feel anything at all. Just numb, blurry numbness. Sometimes things get better at times. But the pain still lingers.
I would do anything for you. I would feel the heavy pain forever. It could rip me, shred me. I would do anything, anything at all if only I could spend one more day with you. Just one more day. One more fucking day
Melissa I love you xx
You told me that you didn’t feel the cold anymore, though it was painstakingly obvious that your tiny body was chilled to the core.
You told me that you had a missed call from my home town. You said my mum must have called to “check up on me. To see if I’m okay. Yeah?”
“Yes, Melissa. She does care.” Though my mother never knew your number.
Your hallucinations were mostly of acts of kindness. Someone giving you money… though everyone around you was homeless and very unlikely to give up what very little they did have.
I wish I had given you more
It is like your mind prepares you for death. So you don’t have to endure the pain. You are saved, yes protected, from the pain that is so strong that ultimately it cannot even be felt by you. This is the pain that rips right through you. The pain that stabs through your heart and shreds your soul. The ones who are left behind… they feel this.
This is the pain that never goes away, only dampens. But damp can become wet again and wet can become dry.
Wet is when moisture is added, when salt is added to a wound, when memories flashback at any given moment, taking you by surprise and STINGING. When moisture is added, everything gets heavy. Heaviness pushes down and smothers you. Cannot move, cannot breath. RESTRICTED.
When wet becomes dry you feel the presence of the pain still, it’s memory. Sometimes when it’s too much, instead of feeling, you don’t feel anything at all. Just numb, blurry numbness. Sometimes things get better at times. But the pain still lingers.
I would do anything for you. I would feel the heavy pain forever. It could rip me, shred me. I would do anything, anything at all if only I could spend one more day with you. Just one more day. One more fucking day
Melissa I love you xx
October 13, 2007
Bad beginnings
Horrible to have began my first very own blog with such a sad sad post. My great friend Em (she’s the professional around this joint) helped me to set up A Glimpse into the world of Rashelle Anne. So if you have any problems with the layout blame her, if the glimpses are boring then you can blame me.
For the most part, my life is chaotic and i’m sure most who know me wont disagree. So a glimpse may be enough, particularly for those (Em) who like shall we say, predictability and stability. Em I love you (‘by the way’) (No not ‘just kidding’), (‘Just letting you know!’) xx
Actually I love routine. I am very OC about my routine. (no not the tv show, the OC. –I wanted to say ‘OCD about…’ but that doesn’t really make sense coz of the D- isorder part. You can’t technically correctly say… actually, I take it all back I just realized you can. – I am OCDisorder (ish) .
Ok I am very obsessive compulsive disorderish about my routine, and planning things, and keeping things being tidy… and my vaccuming… but we won’t go into that right here… and generally making sure I don’t get confronted with extremely scary things (like a bobby pin on the floor instead of in my hair case) unexpectedly.
But the truth of the matter is that I am seemingly a human magnet for human disasters. Human behaviour is unfortunately something that I cannot predict and keep in straight lines like I can with my connecter pens. (red, then yellow, then always blue after black, not never orange near green etc.. oh and they connect perfectly – dah –CONNECTer pens). So…
…So I am studying psychology! Of course! Lol!
No on a more serious note, things happen. Things cannot always be predicted.. The only thing that I can predict is that something unexpected will unexpectedly happen. You can count on that.
For the most part, my life is chaotic and i’m sure most who know me wont disagree. So a glimpse may be enough, particularly for those (Em) who like shall we say, predictability and stability. Em I love you (‘by the way’) (No not ‘just kidding’), (‘Just letting you know!’) xx
Actually I love routine. I am very OC about my routine. (no not the tv show, the OC. –I wanted to say ‘OCD about…’ but that doesn’t really make sense coz of the D- isorder part. You can’t technically correctly say… actually, I take it all back I just realized you can. – I am OCDisorder (ish) .
Ok I am very obsessive compulsive disorderish about my routine, and planning things, and keeping things being tidy… and my vaccuming… but we won’t go into that right here… and generally making sure I don’t get confronted with extremely scary things (like a bobby pin on the floor instead of in my hair case) unexpectedly.
But the truth of the matter is that I am seemingly a human magnet for human disasters. Human behaviour is unfortunately something that I cannot predict and keep in straight lines like I can with my connecter pens. (red, then yellow, then always blue after black, not never orange near green etc.. oh and they connect perfectly – dah –CONNECTer pens). So…
…So I am studying psychology! Of course! Lol!
No on a more serious note, things happen. Things cannot always be predicted.. The only thing that I can predict is that something unexpected will unexpectedly happen. You can count on that.
Melissa... my beautiful, beautiful Melissa
Melissa.... my beautiful, beautiful Melissa........
So sad. I am so sad that my girl is gone, Slipped away in the night. It breaks my heart to think i was not next to you when you left.
Please remember... no matter where i am, no matter where you are, no matter what happens... we will never be apart... i swear
Remember the time i rang you in the night because i'd been thinking of you? You cried because you'd been thinking of me at exactly the same time. 4am, awake, just you and me.
We struggled long tedious days, months, years, battling on... until one day i took off, saw a light... i tried so hard to pull you out of the dark and towards the shine... so hard... holding your hand, edging you on to push through this fucked up barrier. This fucked up fricking deathly illness that shields you from feeling, from living, from being.
Some times were ok. Remember our ritual chats on the lawn under the sun? Two tiny mites sitting ... devising plans to fulfil in our lives, dreams, hopes, aspirations. We wanted to travel, to study...
But most of all we just wanted out of the torment that ever single god damn day would bring. People think anorexia is a choice. They think it is a decision. We know though hon. We know and don't worry... because this is my passion... this is what area i will specialise in with my degree... i will fight to help those with eating disorders.
I will help others win the battle that you fought so hard to get a grip of... but eventually let go.
It hurts, it hurts so so bad. My baby, i want you here. I want to make it right. I want you to realise that you do deserve to eat. You deserve love, you deserve, you deserve babe you do deserve please believe me
I want you to know Melissa
I want you to know also that you were soooo so amazingly strong.
You Melissa, are precious.
Without the pain and hurt you suffered in your dark life on earth, I know that you, my beautiful angel, will shine in heaven. I have no doubt that you are an angel.
It is all over now. You are free. Let go and fly away my sweet, fly awaaaay
God please, please let you finaly have peace... xx
So sad. I am so sad that my girl is gone, Slipped away in the night. It breaks my heart to think i was not next to you when you left.
Please remember... no matter where i am, no matter where you are, no matter what happens... we will never be apart... i swear
Remember the time i rang you in the night because i'd been thinking of you? You cried because you'd been thinking of me at exactly the same time. 4am, awake, just you and me.
We struggled long tedious days, months, years, battling on... until one day i took off, saw a light... i tried so hard to pull you out of the dark and towards the shine... so hard... holding your hand, edging you on to push through this fucked up barrier. This fucked up fricking deathly illness that shields you from feeling, from living, from being.
Some times were ok. Remember our ritual chats on the lawn under the sun? Two tiny mites sitting ... devising plans to fulfil in our lives, dreams, hopes, aspirations. We wanted to travel, to study...
But most of all we just wanted out of the torment that ever single god damn day would bring. People think anorexia is a choice. They think it is a decision. We know though hon. We know and don't worry... because this is my passion... this is what area i will specialise in with my degree... i will fight to help those with eating disorders.
I will help others win the battle that you fought so hard to get a grip of... but eventually let go.
It hurts, it hurts so so bad. My baby, i want you here. I want to make it right. I want you to realise that you do deserve to eat. You deserve love, you deserve, you deserve babe you do deserve please believe me
I want you to know Melissa
I want you to know also that you were soooo so amazingly strong.
You Melissa, are precious.
Without the pain and hurt you suffered in your dark life on earth, I know that you, my beautiful angel, will shine in heaven. I have no doubt that you are an angel.
It is all over now. You are free. Let go and fly away my sweet, fly awaaaay
God please, please let you finaly have peace... xx
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