It's a bit like drowning

Last time we spoke your mind was shutting down. I think it can be compared to when you drown. You get to a certain point then your mind begins to play tricks on you. You feel a sense of calm, of peace.. once your body knows that this is the way it’s going to be. that it is the end.

You told me that you didn’t feel the cold anymore, though it was painstakingly obvious that your tiny body was chilled to the core.

You told me that you had a missed call from my home town. You said my mum must have called to “check up on me. To see if I’m okay. Yeah?”

“Yes, Melissa. She does care.” Though my mother never knew your number.

Your hallucinations were mostly of acts of kindness. Someone giving you money… though everyone around you was homeless and very unlikely to give up what very little they did have.

I wish I had given you more

It is like your mind prepares you for death. So you don’t have to endure the pain. You are saved, yes protected, from the pain that is so strong that ultimately it cannot even be felt by you. This is the pain that rips right through you. The pain that stabs through your heart and shreds your soul. The ones who are left behind… they feel this.
This is the pain that never goes away, only dampens. But damp can become wet again and wet can become dry.

Wet is when moisture is added, when salt is added to a wound, when memories flashback at any given moment, taking you by surprise and STINGING. When moisture is added, everything gets heavy. Heaviness pushes down and smothers you. Cannot move, cannot breath. RESTRICTED.

When wet becomes dry you feel the presence of the pain still, it’s memory. Sometimes when it’s too much, instead of feeling, you don’t feel anything at all. Just numb, blurry numbness. Sometimes things get better at times. But the pain still lingers.

I would do anything for you. I would feel the heavy pain forever. It could rip me, shred me. I would do anything, anything at all if only I could spend one more day with you. Just one more day. One more fucking day

Melissa I love you xx